Time for change

For some reason I feel like I need to change communities or prepare to. I know that I may be playing the victim card but its pretty sad how geographic location (barely 3 miles)outcasts you from a community. Lets get ready

Psaml 37:3-7

Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord: trust in Him and He will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light and your justice as the noon day. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.

Being a Man

I’ve been reading a book that was recommended to me from a close brother called “Wild At Heart.” The book is about being the man that God has created us to be. Its a good book but sometimes I couldn’t help but laugh when the author is referencing William Wallace from Braveheart or Maximus from Gladiator. I mean I understand his reason for bringing up such manly men because I do believe our current society has the wrong perception of men. Or actually we have parts of it lingering but do not understand the full capacity of what a man of God is suppose to be like.

The dilemma I am facing while reading the book is that we are called to be warriors and stand up and fight but if you take this view too far then you become an egocentric testosterone mess but you hold back and you become a passive unmotivated boy. And another question that comes up is how do you become a man/ warrior and still stay humble to give God all the glory and power? With these questions in my mind I have been wrestling and struggling with how to be a man of God. Its hard to have a “warrior” mentality and not become prideful or too strong minded because it clouded my judgement and I knew that I wasn’t heading in the right direction.

A semi-specific topic is trusting in God for something to happen. Now my question for this is if we are called to be men but at the same time know that God is in control of all things in which there are times where I cannot do anything about a situtation except wait on Him, am I really being a man of God? I am realizing what I do need to be doing during this time, which is training my discipline in His word in order to connect with God. But every now and then, like today I have this urge to do something because I feel like I am not heading in the right direction by staying dormant. I feel like things are slipping away and I’m being apathetic about it.

But I do thank God for bringing to light more characteristics and tools that will help me to become more like a man through the reading of this book. I guess I use this wordpress to talk more about my struggles which is strange on a public forum such as this but I feel comfortable to be transparent because this is the real me.

In the end I am going to hold on to what is true and that is: That God is in control of all things and He knows the desires and needs of my heart!

I need you more

I need God so much more… I feel like these past 2 weeks have been such a blessing in what God is showing me and motivating me with but with it came hardships. It is too easy to forget God or make it just a habit to “thank God” when he is giving you blessings and I have become more aware of that. I have noticed that I speak and interact with others with more confidence but I am struggling with the idea that I am approaching it in a prideful way. It worries me that I may not be genuinely thanking God for what he has shown me and the favor he has shined on me. I don’t believe that I am acting pompous or high nosed in front of people but I am struggling with making sure that I am giving all the credit to where it is due.

I’m reading through psalms, and King David, a fellow ENFJ, was one of the greatest kings in history and even with everything that he achieved, he never forgot to put his total dependence on God. A self-realization through this post is that I should be aware if I get too prideful but my main focus should be on depending on God. I’m being very emotion driven right now and I think its the cause of my confusion. I need to stay confident and know that God is leading me.

I feel like I’m in a slump right now and even my internship is getting to be draining… Its pretty selfish of me to say that I’m in a slump when God has given me so much. I’m sorry!

 

I really hope my hike on saturday will freshen my mind!

Just an ordinary post

So today I guess I’ll just be typing whatever comes to mind… Something I realized that it is pretty crazy how quickly the devil spots weaknesses and plays that against you. The second I see or hear about something that is going to make me over analyze and only bring doubts I immediately receive a flood of lies. To tell you the truth its hard to resist and not swim in misery. I have been on a temporary break from facebook for reasons such as what I am talking about right now. For the next 2 months I wanted to keep myself from any distractions that would open up a weakness for the devil to prey on. Obviously this failed because of the slow day at work. Being isolated from my friends and the social world its so hard to be away from facebook when it is really the only channel to communciate with others from 8AM-5PM. But that should not be a justification to not fall through with this committment.

But the fact that I gave in and took a peek at facebook was a mistake that brought heavy consequences. I ran across something that definitely sparked my emotions and although in my head I am having to tell myself that its not a big deal… the fact that I need to tell myself this, is an indication of a small gap in which the devil can use against me.

So here I am sitting in my cubicle having an internal struggle just because I wanted to take a brief glance at the current news of my friends…I don’t know how I am going to go through these next two months… I’m also wondering how this small emotional spark will play out. Will it just fizzle out or is it going to turn into something much bigger?

Spiritual Warfare

It hit me today on my drive to work how real spiritual warfare is… I believe its a pretty hard thing to discern when the devil is attacking you, because its easy to say that the devil is attacking you during rough patches of your life but is that an honest assesment? I realized I’m not the person who immediately states the presence of a spirit (good or evil) except during times of worship because I know that the Holy Spirit is in the room to open our hearts and let us freely worship God.

But back to my realization this morning in the car. I realized that for the past few days something has been bothering me… I have been really tired, to the point where I’m going to bed by 8 or 9 and not waking up until I have to go to work at 6:30. (thats almost 10-11 hours of sleep!) I am having strange dreams during those times and weird insecurities and temptations that I hadn’t struggled with for a while are coming back… I feel more prepared and I am fighting back but its hard to not get caught up in the emotions of sadness and hoplesness during these times. I’m hoping to take some extra time to pray tonight at bible study but man its hard and I have a theory that these things are arising because of the season I am in right now. I feel like the devil is trying to deter me away by making me fall into my emotions and taking advantage of my heart searching for the right answers. Its during these times I realize that I need God’s protection even more.

If you read this within the next couple of days or even week please pray for me

Desires of your heart

This year has been a truly amazing year. I know we’re only half way into it but God has shown me so many things and I feel much closer to Him. But the one thing I want to write about today after a long absence from this blog is the idea behind God fulfilling the desires of your heart. I hear from people constantly I wish God would give me this, or I wish I just knew… I have heard these things and I know exactly what they mean. Even as I write this I have things that my heart desires and I could very much write about it at this time. But this idea of the desires of your heart brings up the topic we all know too well… what we want vs. what we need. We face this dilemma everyday. Do we need that pinkberry, do we need to buy that shirt?

But this is what I feel like defines the  desires of your heart…

The things that we want  may be a true desire of our heart, we will never know until God grants this to us because that is the confirmation that it was a need. But what it really boils down to is that a need is the true desire of our hearts. let’s think about that for a moment…

A need is the desire of the heart. So the heart desires  the thing that you need… And if your heart is one that loves God then you will desire the will of God?

There is a lot of ways you can play around with this but tying it back to people wanting to know things or want to have certain things. (ie. future, gf/bf) I believe that these things will come to fruition if it is an honest question in your mind but we must first establish a heart that yearns for God. A heart that desires God (a true love for Him) will be able to naturally discern when they absolutely need something.

I hope this makes sense. (It will be funny to look at this a couple of years from now and possibly laugh at my theory)

I shared about this because I believe that God has truly given me every desire of my heart. No I didn’t get into Cal or drive that dream car but looking back, I can genuinely say that he has given me everything that I needed. It’s absolutely amazing how he has fulfilled the things that I have prayed for and the things that I may have left out but was actively pursuing.  It’s funny that before I would take it the wrong way if God didn’t answer my prayers because after some time I would realize how it was not a necessity. God is good and I hope to continue to live with these thoughts!

Day 4,5,6,7

I know I didn’t write in for the past 3 days… It was a tough week.  This week struggled with a darkness that I never felt before. As ashamed as I am to say this, I had a hard time loving people around me. My housemates were getting on my nerves and everyone’s weaknesses and faults were popping into my head. I was just annoyed by people in general and I thought all of them as selfish and arrogant. I’m definitely not naive and I know that this holds some truth but I know that I should never fight fire with fire. Jesus never despised someone or yelled at them in order to get them to change. He showed them love, a love that this world will never understand because it doesn’t make sense. I’ve realized that I want to strive to have that kind of love. Jesus’ love was a strange love because the things that he did was thought of  as foolish or just ridiculous. Why do you think so many people had a problem with his ministry to send him to the cross? I’ve said this before but I want to love everyone with a love that this world cannot accept. I want to live my life and show God’s love even if people think I’m being careless or foolish. I’d rather look foolish and be with God then to conform to this world and not be with Him…

Now I’m a big proponent on acting on conviction with rational thought. In Matthew 10, Jesus warns the apostles to be cunning as a snake but be innocent as doves as they spread the gospel. Jesus did and could love everyone but he chose strategically when to show his love not to be conditional but he knew he had to be strategic through out his ministry in order to fulfill his mission. I don’t believe after this conviction I feel the need to go out and say yes to everyone and care for everyone but I need to love with God leading me. Its hard to explain because its not acting with rational thought per say but its more of trusting in God and acting on faith? Man this is hard to explain… Hope I can expand on this further when I have a firmer grasp.

Day 3

So far so good! It usually takes about 31 days for the human brain to make things into a habit. Things I want to make into a habit…

Wake up by 6AM Mon-Sat

Run three times a week

Write in this blog every day

Sleep before or around 12AM

Think about God and pray consistently

Lofty goals but not impossible!

 

Today I had an epiphany while reading the Last Battle (Chronicles of Narnia) The anti-christ is introduced and its a donkey who does whatever an ape tells him to do. The donkey does not believe he is smart enough to live his own life and so listens to whatever the ape tells him to do. One day, the ape finds a lion’s hide and covers the donkey with the hide. The Narnians believe that Aslan has come back and immediately listens to the donkey disguised by the lion’s hide. Although the  donkey looks fake and looks nothing like a lion, the Narnians believe that he is Aslan and follows the orders of “Aslan” which is actually things that the ape thinks of. All the Narnians blindly believe that that is the real Aslan and believes that Aslan is angry at them.

My epiphany was that before Jesus comes back,  the anti-christ will have us tricked so well we won’t know who the real Jesus is. It made me wonder if I will fall into the crowd and believe that the anti-christ really is Jesus… THis fear has started to creep into my head with people talking about the end coming soon with the 1040 gap and natural catastrophes around the world. Am I ready to challenge my faith and believe when all signs and rational thoughts point to the anti-christ?

Im really tired so today’s blog was pretty disappointing content wise….

Day 2

Something I read from Desiring God really stuck out to me… A Christian Hedonist which is a term Piper uses throughout the book is a person who believes that there is no one or nothing greater than God. Am I living like that? I really asked myself that question. Do I really desire God more than anything else? Its a hard thing to determine… While typing this I can easily say yes I do desire God more than anything else but when I am enjoying something say, basketball, would I be able to drop the ball and stop playing if God told me to? I mean this is a little too dramatic but to think at this extreme is a good perspective to put it in. I connected this with relationships… yes its the relationship talk again. Remember I’m saying this to myself because I know how repetitive this can sound and I’ve made my share of mistakes posting on this blog rants about this topic. But its a topic that cant be ignored.

I have two brothers who are starting to get a lot more involved with someone they have an interest in. I’ve talked with both of them about it and as cheesy as they sound I know that these are all things I’ve said in the past. Like it or not liking a girl brings out the cheesiest and most ridiculous things out of guys. Anyways, I am starting to see more and more time hanging out and more  late night talks or times they hang out alone. Now I’ve determined I have this kind of mindset while writing this that a part of me is jealous I have to say but the majority is that I recognize it is not only immature but also immature for me to think that way. Now before this turns into a rant I need to stop…  But what I want to end with which I hope one day I can inform these brothers is to wait on God. Is a month or two of YOU,  initiating and fitting in times to talk and “getting” to know the other person, really the most genuine way or even enough time to make the decision that she is your future wife? That is what establishing a person as your bf/ gf is right?

The reason why I brought up bf/ gf  relationships is my personal growth and understanding. I’ve learned a lot from my mistakes as a freshman and I don’t see myself as a person who understands everything but I do see an increased maturity in my idea about finding the right girl and the view of a relationship. But I think before I say anything about that it all starts with my mindset of desiring God more than anything else. This was rolling around in my thoughts all day as I read that section in Desiring God.  I believe that I am ready to pursue a person if I am desiring God more than anything in this world. Now it may seem highly improbable that these can match up timing wise but what is stopping God from making that happen in my life?